I was in a situation in which I was unable to do any swears. Several people on Twitter took advantage of my inability to cuss like a sailor by posting various un-swears.
Inspired by @TimWallington’s “Nubbin! Furtle!” I asked the people who follow me on Twitter to tell me which words they use when unable to swear.
I discovered that the word “bobbins” is quite common. The word “fudge” crops up quite a bit too.
I had to disqualify two groups of people. Those in blue submitted non-swears used by other people. These were good, but, sadly ineligible.
Those in red are people who, when they feel unable to swear, either combine milder swearwords, employ spoonerisms or homonyms, or just, basically, cry out the word “bugger!”
@titianred Lawks a mussy
@MagentaTP four fishcakes and an iced bun!
@DarrellKMorris Flipping Henry
@Sigyn fruit cake
@glamlovinkitty rollicking flumps
@Mcfarlmo Twunt Poop Snark
@jimbobwoof Fart Knickers in Your Mess
@gerrymulvenna YIKES BODYKES!
@katbrown82 “sugar” (said by mother)
@nick241274 Cunnybajango (said by old boss)
@arprice “Lawks-a-mussy, guv’nor!”
@scaryduck ITV Player
@padster Oh, bumpers! (said by daughter, four)
@miss_glor for faux sake
@Aitch_ess Scheisse mcflurrybum
@LeanneBennett Frickety frickin’ frick!
@Jacquie27 Arsene Wenger
@duncanrpowell fish-hooks (said by mother)
@BenedictFarse Womble batter
@beanobundle FIRKIT MIBBIX
@unthinkable27 he is a useless can’t
@Vivienneclore merkin codpiece
@Underted boight the boight?
@MadeUpDreamer oh bugger
@nickorton_ what the blinking flip!?
@RobGilroy Jeebus Cripes
@RolandSparling Shog Off thou Custard Faced Loon
@Tokenpom God’s teeth!
@twixtcupandlip Betty Swollocks
@tweetwalia Bar Steward
@richardkirke Swine Dog Pig Elephant Wombat
@Trancendance cucking funt
@oneeyednick jeepers creepers
@SlightlyCross Shine a light
@doonakebab Pants the size of Sussex with holes the size of Berkshire
@DribblingSidney Fargging Iceholes
@2wildniks oh poopy (used by sister)
@_amusebouche_ God’s HOLY TROUSERS (used by husband)
@titianred hells bells
@eskimummamosie tough noogins
@TweetCashmore Fish Sticks!
@BazJitsu Fox ache
@alisongow Giddy Hump
@Orange_Monkey Sugar Puffs
@jo_the_hat He’s a wuckfit
@mtrh Ship ahoy!
@ScubeyToo Cheese ‘n Rice
The winner is @Jon2T2, whose “Flatubollygripstick!”, fulfils the criteria of not being a swear word, while having the fricatives and plosives of a satisfying swear. It also has enough syllables to cover a period of clutching one’s thumb after hitting it with a hammer.
Prize to be advised.