I was in a situation in which I was unable to do any swears. Several people on Twitter took advantage of my inability to cuss like a sailor by posting various un-swears.

Inspired by @TimWallington’s “Nubbin! Furtle!” I asked the people who follow me on Twitter to tell me which words they use when unable to swear.

I discovered that the word “bobbins” is quite common. The word “fudge” crops up quite a bit too.

I had to disqualify two groups of people. Those in blue submitted non-swears used by other people. These were good, but, sadly ineligible.

Those in red are people who, when they feel unable to swear, either combine milder swearwords, employ spoonerisms or homonyms, or just, basically, cry out the word “bugger!”

THE LIST

@Ita99 Pooheads

@lefeufollet Nerts.

@adjgreenhalgh bobbins

@titianred Lawks a mussy

@MagentaTP four fishcakes and an iced bun!

@DarrellKMorris Flipping Henry

@Sigyn fruit cake

@dinnerintatura Buggeration!

@Lise_79 faderullan

@Badger5000 knickersknackersknockers

@glamlovinkitty rollicking flumps

@jamestuomey Kunstler!

@stephjl Shostakovich!

@Mcfarlmo Twunt Poop Snark

@magmiffycent Numpty

@MrBoffly Plop

@jacrats JINGS!

@OmHeartMother crappy-poos!

@jimbobwoof Fart Knickers in Your Mess

@gerrymulvenna YIKES BODYKES!

@Annabel_Giles Lawks!

@katbrown82 “sugar” (said by mother)

@nick241274 Cunnybajango (said by old boss)

@teflongrl fiddlesticks!

@Ooopsydaisy OUTSPAN!!

@CorporateTurtle Pants

@stevencox2 Clegg

@DanielNothing FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

@arprice “Lawks-a-mussy, guv’nor!”

@talktoteens blimey

@kitschyanna pillock

@scaryduck ITV Player

@padster Oh, bumpers! (said by daughter, four)

@Paper_Polly buttocks

@miss_glor for faux sake

@Aitch_ess Scheisse mcflurrybum

@JimTheSG Jeezone

@LeanneBennett Frickety frickin’ frick!

@Jacquie27 Arsene Wenger

@duncanrpowell fish-hooks (said by mother)

@Underbundle Kinnell

@Shequeen Sueperkins

@BenedictFarse Womble batter

@Jon2T2 Flatubollygripstick

@beanobundle FIRKIT MIBBIX

@unthinkable27 he is a useless can’t

@Vivienneclore merkin codpiece

@Cornettofairy Fudgejanglingsquarkmonkeys

@Underted boight the boight?

@1755Dictionary Bumguts

@BertieBarber sugaration

@SimonSaunders77 BOBBINS

@Catherinelm fiddlesticks

@MadeUpDreamer oh bugger

@nickorton_ what the blinking flip!?

@possumpot Bumwinkle

@RobGilroy Jeebus Cripes

@TheMichaelMoran cocksocket

@RolandSparling Shog Off thou Custard Faced Loon

@Tokenpom God’s teeth!

@liese2711 fudge-mitten!

@twixtcupandlip Betty Swollocks

@mrpetermore Horlicks!

@Donut_Child Nurdles

@tweetwalia Bar Steward

@matriches Shirtbuttons

@fazeypie fudgewit

@richardkirke Swine Dog Pig Elephant Wombat

@QcattQ ballcocks

@Trancendance cucking funt

@oneeyednick jeepers creepers

@SlightlyCross Shine a light

@doonakebab Pants the size of Sussex with holes the size of Berkshire

@DribblingSidney Fargging Iceholes

@2wildniks oh poopy (used by sister)

@_amusebouche_ God’s HOLY TROUSERS (used by husband)

@titianred hells bells

@eskimummamosie tough noogins

@AndrewDipper Tinker

@Ukulesley monkey-fighting

@Mullies Bindlestiff

@TweetCashmore Fish Sticks!

@BazJitsu Fox ache

@alisongow Giddy Hump

@Mowgzilla bastroid

@marcpaterson Hillocks

@Orange_Monkey Sugar Puffs

@jo_the_hat He’s a wuckfit

@vivmondo Bumbags

@mtrh Ship ahoy!

@lydiajo Scrouth

@ScubeyToo Cheese ‘n Rice

 

THE WINNER

The winner is @Jon2T2, whose “Flatubollygripstick!”, fulfils the criteria of not being a swear word, while having the fricatives and plosives of a satisfying swear. It also has enough syllables to cover a period of clutching one’s thumb after hitting it with a hammer.

Prize to be advised.