COLUMN: October 11, 2018

cake-486874_1920
A cake

I DO hate to bang on about Brexit, but it’s nearly here and we’re still no closer to knowing what it’s going to be like.

Obviously, we can make an educated guess based on facts, but half the population (or less than half these days, given that 1.3m of the Brexit electorate has died, to be replaced by even more young people) has decided that facts aren’t as important as feelings.

For example, it doesn’t matter that the UK was always sovereign, and always had the power to walk away from the EU, because it didn’t FEEL like it was sovereign.

But the fact is, nobody actually knows, not for sure, not even the government. If you interviewed the government for a job and asked them where they thought they’d be in five years’ time, they couldn’t answer you with any sort of conviction. In a fair world, some of them would actually have a conviction.

The only thing we do know is that the people who have been pressing hardest for Brexit are obsessed with cakes. The former Foreign Secretary was convinced in public that we could “have our cake and eat it”. John Redwood, the perfectly normal former Welsh Secretary, talked about making our own cakes instead of helping other countries with their cakes. And UKIP is full of fruitcakes.

So I have decided to explain the Brexit process through the medium of cakes.

LEAVER: I want an omelette.

REMAINER: Right. It’s just we haven’t got any eggs.

LEAVER: Yes, we have. There they are. [HE POINTS AT A CAKE]

REMAINER: They’re in the cake.

LEAVER: Yes, get them out of the cake, please.

REMAINER: But we voted in 1975 to put them into a cake.

LEAVER: Yes, but that cake has got icing on it. Nobody said there was going to be icing on it.

REMAINER: Icing is good.

LEAVER: And there are raisins in it. I don’t like raisins. Nobody mentioned raisins. I demand another vote.

DAVID CAMERON ENTERS.

DAVID CAMERON: OK.

DAVID CAMERON SCARPERS.

LEAVER: Right, where’s my omelette?

REMAINER: I told you, the eggs are in the cake.

LEAVER: Well, get them out.

EU: It’s our cake.

JEREMY CORBYN: Yes, get them out now.

REMAINER: I have absolutely no idea how to get them out. Don’t you know how to get them out?

LEAVER: Yes! You just get them out and then you make an omelette.

REMAINER: But how?! Didn’t you give this any thought?

LEAVER: Saboteur! You’re talking eggs down. We could make omelettes before the eggs went into the cake, so there’s no reason why we can’t make them now.

THERESA MAY: It’s OK, I can do it.

REMAINER: How?

THERESA MAY: There was a vote to remove the eggs from the cake, and so the eggs will be removed from the cake.

REMAINER: Yeah, but…

LEAVER: Hang on, if we take the eggs out of the cake, does that mean we don’t have any cake? I didn’t say I didn’t want the cake, just the bits I don’t like.

EU: It’s our cake.

REMAINER: But you can’t take the eggs out of the cake and then still have a cake.

LEAVER: You can. I saw the latest Bake Off and you can definitely make cakes without eggs in them. It’s just that they’re horrible.

REMAINER: Fine. Take the eggs out. See what happens.

LEAVER: It’s not my responsibility to take the eggs out. Get on with it.

REMAINER: Why should I have to come up with some long-winded incredibly difficult chemical process to extract eggs that have bonded at the molecular level to the cake, while somehow still having the cake?

LEAVER: You lost, get over it.

THERESA MAY: By the way, I’ve started the clock on this.

REMAINER: So I assume you have a plan?

THERESA MAY: Actually, back in a bit. Just having another election.

REMAINER: Jeremy, are you going to sort this out?

JEREMY CORBYN: Yes. No. Maybe.

EU: It’s our cake.

LEAVER: Where’s my omelette? I voted for an omelette.

REMAINER: This is ridiculous. This is never going to work. We should have another vote, or at least stop what we’re doing until we know how to get the eggs out of the cake while keeping the bits of the cake that we all like.

LEAVER/MAY/CORBYN: WE HAD A VOTE. STOP SABOTAGING THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE. EGGSIT MEANS EGGSIT.

REMAINER: Fine, I’m moving to France. The cakes are nicer there.

LEAVER: You can’t. We’ve taken your freedom of movement.

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21 thoughts on “COLUMN: October 11, 2018

  1. Gary Can I have a Scotch Egg please? They HAVE their ‘cake and eat it’ as they voted Leave, have their OWN Parliament AND have seats in the House of Commons😁 Paul McDermott

    1. No it wasn’t, it was 1975 that we decided to “join” the European Economic Market, not stay in it. Those of my generation advocated strongly joining the EEC as it made sense to have a “common market”. What we didn’t sign up to, is it becoming a bureaucratic federalist state reigned over by the Germans and their new best friend France. So I voted out but remain very pro European, but not the model that Merkel and Junkers want us to sign up to.

  2. Gary, a brilliant literary piece.Congratulations on capturing the moment. Unfortunately, our android cabinet are too dull and transfixed to get the message. If it’s any consolation I have spoken to many people who voted Brexit and have since changed their minds. We can only hope for a second referendum which I bet my shirt would come out 52% Remain and 48% Leave. We knew 2 years ago that the NI situation would de-rail any exit process (thankfully) so the time has come to review the situation as Fagin said in Oliver:” I think we’d better think it out again”. Mike Stamford

    1. One question, Are we or ar we not a Democratic Nation ? Oh and the Irish border never really was a hard border “ except during the troubles” and before we became full EU members the southern Irish who lived nearest to the border found it more economical to shop etc in the north due to lower prices.please get rid of the 🎩 of many excuses of why we shouldn’t leave the EU. Get over yourself and let’s get Britain returned to a independent nation.🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🇬🇧.

      1. What you’ve done there, Mac, is say what you want rather than how it can happen. If you like, what you’ve done is said you want the eggs out of the cake without saying how we’re supposed to remove them. Come back to me when you have a feasible plan that works in actual reality.

  3. This is one of the funniest things I’ve read! Well done. Would you consider making it into a youtube sketch, similar to “The Experts” ?

  4. “For example, it doesn’t matter that the UK was always sovereign, and always had the power to walk away from the EU…”

    How? Our eggs are baked in a cake.

  5. Remainer, yes you can have your eggs left in the cake as long as you agree to give us loads more money than the others and you don’t question the corruption and croninnusm and ex FIFA style leadership..
    And don’t forget we’ll really rub you nose in it if you vote to remain.

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