1. Fail to win a majority.

2. Make a “big, open and comprehensive offer” to the leader of the smallest party to join a coalition. Offer the leader a referendum on electoral reform as a sweetener. Note: make the reform to the electoral system the absolute smallest change possible, just in case. You never know.

3. Push through virtually your entire manifesto, especially the least popular/ most deranged bits, with the support of the leader of the smallest party, thereby making him incredibly unpopular.

4. Use the unpopularity of the leader of the smallest party – caused by his support of your legislative programme – as your most potent weapon in the campaign against any change in the electoral system.

5. Carry on doing whatever the hell you like. Change the name of Friday to Thatcherday. Abolish cheese. Christ, why not fill the unelected second chamber with party drones and cut the number of elected representatives to load the dice in your favour? The sky is the limit.